It’s time for some serious vague-blogging and not so subtle analogies.
Let’s say you work on something for two months. You work on it every day because you want to. You don’t do it as a project or a task or because you have to or whatever. You do it because you genuinely want to. It quickly becomes a ride. Like all rides, they have to end. The big question in the back of your mind is “when will it end?” You try and not let the thought consume you because it just makes the ride not that enjoyable. Then SUDDENLY, sooner than later, that ride comes to a screeching halt… halted by the brick wall you saw coming down the track. Was the ride worth it? Was it not? Let’s see…you wasted your time AND money. But what’s money, right? You can make more. The time, though, that’s the real fucking bitch. You can’t get that back. In the grand scheme of things, two months is fucking nothing. Can you say it was wasted? If you work on something, every day, for two months straight and then you have nothing to show for it… would that be considered a waste? How can it not be?
The whole ride was amazing… well up until the brick wall part of course. It was the most enjoyment you've had in a very long time. You saw the brick wall coming. Part of you was stupid enough to believe that the ride would divert itself or maybe even better, break through the brick wall. The truth is that you aren't angry at the spent time with zero results, although the word “wasted” is the first thing that comes to mind. You can be angry at whatever or whomever all you want. That’s not going to fix anything. What you are really angry at is yourself. No matter how short or long the ride was you are angry at yourself for letting yourself get on that ride again. The sad part is that the ride isn't that different from the others. You fucking KNEW the risks getting on that ride. Red flags, bells and whistles were going off but you ignored them. You always ignore them. How can one be so fucking stupid? You do it OVER and OVER and OVER again. It’s because you want it SO fucking bad, nothing else matters. The risk is worth it. Is it, though? You are so god damn lonely that you take this serious gamble each time. Maybe the likely chance of getting hurt can be outweighed by the even greater reward of it actually working. You continue to think like this naïve child that this faint glimmer of hope and reality can actually exist. Seriously, when are you fucking going to learn? Will you ever learn? Probably not…
You need to stop getting on fucked up rides. You must attract the fucked up rides or the fucked up rides attract you. Probably both…
All you can do is just dust yourself off from the sudden end to the ride. You look for the next. Back to the drawing board. And now back to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress...
All of that aside and at the end of the day, you miss that person. You miss the friend you've come to know. Unfortunately now it's a push-pull scenario. At this point you would just be doing more harm than good. So then tally ho then, right? Fight the good fight and carry on.
